The information you’re about to get is one of a kind. Today is a Friday, a perfect day to start making preparations for the journey ahead.
Have you been begging your husband to quit an underpaid job? Do you need help in running your restaurant (or any business) but your husband, who is an excellent cook, has refused to join you?
If yes, continue reading.
Our good old mothers did not tell us what you’re about to hear. You will not even see it in books. This advice is based on my personal experiences.
Now, to accomplish this mission, don’t pick your bows and arrows on Monday. You will fail. Believe me, this is my area of expertise.
I advise you to start arrangements on Thursday. It’s almost the weekend, and you’re sure to have him at home for the next three days.
No be so?…
Calm down, my sister. Calm ó godi down.
We do not use shouts and quarrels to win this type of war. In fact, it will make his point valid; he’d been telling his friends you’re a short girl and like every short girl, their tantrums are second to none.
On Thursday evening, you will cook his favorite; Loiloi and ofe nsala. As soon as he gets back from work, collect his bag and his shoes. Also tell him that his bathwater is ready. That night, he will ask to do mummy and daddy. Don’t give him yet.
On Friday, leave the house before him. That should be after you’ve made his breakfast (Must I tell you everything?).
Remember to remove that proposal he’d be presenting from his bag. Before a sack letter, comes a query. That is the secret.
Saturday and Sunday should be strictly hugs and pecks. You need enough strength for your big day. Ignore that bulge in his trousers. Dopamine knows nothing more than to spoil people’s plans.
On Sunday night. My sister, DO NOT SLEEP A WINK. What did I say? Ehen.
That’s the night of your passover. See that lingerie he bought for you from Amycndy’s drip stores? Wear it.
Now to Monday morning.
Wake him up with tender loving care. Start from his ears. By the time you get to his chest, he will lead the way. Allow him unrestricted access to the Jordan. Let him drink and make merry. As you’re screaming enigwe and ani, remind him that he has a job to go to. Don’t worry. He won’t stop. His brains are on vacation.
When he gets up later, panting, tell him he’s the best husband in the world. Allow him to bathe but when he’s dressing up for work, sneak up behind him and initiate episode two.
This time, he should be the horse and you, the rider. Men of our generation don’t like it when we are acting like logs of wood. Also, it gives you the sole power to end the horse riding training.
By the time both horse and rider will get tired, it should be about 10 am.
He will scream. Jump. Run into the bathroom. Switch to your baby voice.
“O my goodness, baby I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to…
He will cut you short. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up, today was amazing.” He will drop a kiss on your forehead and turn on his heels.
Your husband will leave the house. But he will come back with slumped shoulders and a loose tie. Allow him to sit. Head wedged between his palms.
As he raves and cusses, switch to your sweetest voice. First, rain curses on his innocent boss, go ahead and urge him to give thanks to God in everything.
Finally, suggest that this might be a sign from God for him to join you in setting up the restaurant business. You need to put on your best character at this stage. Yes, pull out that supportive and submissive wife card. He might take a day or two to decide. Don’t coerce, don’t pressure him, let your script play to the end. He will come around, trust me, no Nigerian man likes to stay idle.
Mission accomplished. You don’t have to thank me. This is just me helping my fellow Nigerian wives.
- ©Wayene Mercy
- StoryVest
